breaking my silence on taylor swift
i have one singular taylor swift playlist on my spotify- titled “thesis” and subtitled “don’t ask me about taylor swift”.
allow me to explain.
when the generic “what’s your music taste” question circulates conversation, i say “oh all sorts of stuff- jazz, funk, oldies, musical theater, some pop, folk, really all over the place”.
inevitably, someone will pipe up and say “don’t you like taylor swift?” with this mischievous twinkle in their eye that says something like “gotcha!”
this leads to a succession of groans, eye rolls, etc. with an occasional “oh i love her too!” that is easily drowned out by all the rest.
when this happens, i tend towards sighing exasperatingly and saying something like “yeah i mean she covers lots of different genres” or “what you hear on the radio are her worst songs” or just “yeah i do.”
because really, i don’t have the time or energy to go into my full thesis, especially when it will land on likely deaf ears. but for you, my dear substack, i will break my silence for the very first time.
i believe taylor swift is a symbol of the modern female experience, and, more broadly, femininity.
hang with me.
i was very sheltered growing up, which meant i really only listened to CCM radio. beyond that though, i was a pick-me. don’t get me wrong, i do genuinely love Star Wars, Marvel movies, and lord of the rings, etc. but when rom coms, shopping, pop music and other “girly” stuff came up, i didn’t hesitate to roll my eyes and distance myself from “the other girls”.
what i didn’t say was that i actually wish someone would’ve played tea party with me. or that i actually like wearing dresses because they make me feel pretty and free. or that i sometimes just tag along with my dad to the store to see the big poster of the pretty lady with the beautiful hair and sparkling purple dress. that’s right, my dear, shuddering reader.
the poster of the latest TS Album- Speak Now.
every time we would walk by the store entrance, i would allow myself a small glance at the poster before I looked away. once, as my dad browsed for a new computer keyboard, i snuck to the back of the electronics aisles to watch dozens of small flat screen TVs play the “Love Story” music video- again and again and again. there was something so transfixing about it. she was so girly, ethereal, wistful….but also- strong? i couldn’t wrap my head around it.
as years passed, i entered my teenage years and 1989 released and oh my goodness i couldn’t be caught dead listening to THAT album.
…except my top 2 watched YouTube videos were “wildest dreams” and “blank space”.
the cinematography was captivating. the fashion was incredible. and there was, once again, that undeniable tension of power and pretty. the idea of being a nightmare dressed like a daydream.
as these things tend to go with growing up, i started caring less what anyone thought of me. i graduated college and started grad school alone, online, during the height of a pandemic. then taylor swift released this album called folklore. my instagram was flooded with announcement posts; i couldn’t escape it.so there, alone in my dark bedroom, a little after midnight, i said “screw it”. and i listened to the entire album.
three times.
i’d say the rest is history, but there’s so much story yet to be told, because this opened the floodgates of going back and listening to her discography, little by little by little.
catching myself up on girlhood.
allowing myself to be young, confused, carefree, yearning, indecisive, flighty, worried, lonely, happy, sad, prideful, greedy, wild, thoughtful, reflective, nostalgic, regretful, resilient, brave.
allowing myself to see worth in being soft. but also exploring into the depth of femininity- far past nail polish and Claire’s. into the idea that maybe Leia and Padme’s story held just as much weight as Anakin and Luke’s (but that’s a story for another time). into the idea that maybe my story can hold weight too. that maybe all those feelings i carried as a girl had words to them, importance to them- and maybe even a tune to them, too.
fast forward to the eras tour. taylor swift’s music has now seen me through graduate school, my first serious relationship, the tapering of a global pandemic, entering the workforce, buying a house, getting married, and feeling the slow and heavy mantle of adulthood creep at my back.
and now i’m here, with her, at the final night of her US tour. and she says “if you didn’t grow up with me, like some of this audience did, think of this as us just getting you caught up.”
and suddenly im back in my hometown walmart, watching the TVs in awe and sneaking sideways glances at posters, but before i can look away, the poster has come to life and there she is right in front of me in this beautiful sparkling incredible dress and she is gorgeous but she is also larger than life and she is glowing and happy and she has been through so much and so many people hate her but so many people love her and she is here she is here she is here directing crowds and laughing and crying and stomping and twirling and making a heart with her hands because she is a woman. and somehow, she is powerful.
so i keep my answers short when i talk about taylor swift, because how can i possibly tell you that in three hours, her music reminded me of my first heartbreak, and also my third one. but it also reminds me how it feels to know i will never be paid as much as my male coworkers. and of being lonely as a child. being lonely as an adulthood. missing my mom. missing myself. dancing with your friends in the summer. escaping into your imagination. crushes you never told anyone about. hating being talked down to. feeling undervalued, feeling unseen. feeling young. feeling old. standing your ground. speaking up. making the first move. realizing what love is. protecting your peace.
and controversial opinion? i don’t care that liking her is controversial. of course it is. who ever liked a strong, kind, woman who owns her mistakes, stays out of trouble, and is just trying to figure out how to do the next right thing? there will always be something someone will find wrong with her. because she’s a woman. she’s a human. she’s real. who cares.
i am so grateful for the vocabulary she has given to the complex experience of womanhood. i am endlessly thankful to every creative who bares their souls in beautiful ways, so we can all feel a little less alone.
so yes,
if anyone asks,
i listen to taylor swift.
quite a lot.
with love and sincerity always,
a recovering pick-me girl,
rachel.
I have a very similar take on this, I grew up listening to her all the time and then when I got older, the people pleaser in me would shit on her or agree with whatever opinion people had on her, which was usually a strong one. So when people ask what I think now of Taylor’s Swift, I don’t know how to explain that her old music is a symbol of the softest, most innocent parts of my girlhood. And the way that I spent so many years rejecting her music is a symbol of the way I was taught to hate and create a distance from anything that connected me to femininity. I’m still relearning learning to accept that I can like flowers and things that are sparkly.
I have no issue with Taylor Swift’s music. It’s not my cup of tea, but I won’t deny the alleged appeal to any others. The reason people dislike her is because she’s a white feminist and the fact that her private jet usage amounted to an estimated 8,300 tonnes of carbon emissions in 2022. That’s about 1,800 times the average human's annual emissions.